I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
