I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
