I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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