My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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