my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
