Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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