I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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