Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
