Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
