God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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