I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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