Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
