Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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