Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
