I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
