I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
