Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Randomize
