i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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