Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
