u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
