Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
