drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
