your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize