did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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