dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
