Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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