My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
