I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
