Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
