He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
