the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
