So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
