we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize