Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
What drink are we having for lunch?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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