Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
