I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
