The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize