Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
