ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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