im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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