I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
