We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
