At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
