another moral hangover. fuck.
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
