i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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