she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
