apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
