i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize