I think I died a long time ago.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
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