She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
