I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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