You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
