The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
