How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
