Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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