Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
