If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize